Please stop crying my soul
Please stop crying my soul
As I look at my life today I can’t shake the feeling that I strayed from the path of happiness. For years now I struggle to stay optimistic, pushing forward pretending that the sadness I feel is something that will pass and that somewhere there is victory in store.
The first time that I noticed that something was definitely going all wrong was when I returned home after a disappointing voyage to Holland and found that my home was remodeled by my mother who took pleasure in accusing me of being a bad person, a junky, a whore who is untidy and is undeserving of success or any form of satisfaction. So she cursed me yet again and banished me from her life as my father had done so many years ago. I tried to continue my life as best as I could but something was definitely broken. My soul cried for my mother’s love yet again since this was not her first attack on my livelihood. I thought that I would be strong enough to overcome all this bad energy but I soon found out that it would only get worse. I lost a lot in the sense of friends and family, possessions and everything I tried to achieve somehow did not reach satisfactory results. Sometimes I’d worry and wondered what I had done so wrong that I deserved to be in such a bad state.
Then there was this whole Cuban affair where I found and then again lost happiness. I almost lost my life in Cuba and am still not out of the woods. I’m surrounded by people who discard me and treat me with disgust and every attempt to climb out of this cycle of bad luck and sadness is met with more bad luck and sadness. I have to keep myself from ending my life for it becomes more and more unbearable to face what has become of my life. I have to encourage myself to push on even though I feel my strength dwindling and don’t see the sense in any of my doings. No love, no company, no happiness or luck.
I feel very weak and sad and often I feel like crying but as I have experienced that doesn’t help to solve this problem of feeling unwanted and hated. Sometimes I lash out but that also doesn’t bring relieve so I go on wondering where it will lead me. Either to my lonely demise or is there really a way out of this unhappy flow. I don’t know but I keep hoping on a turn for the better. Life is full of ups and downs and there are lots of people with bad intentions who cheer at the results of their hate on my life. I sometimes even believe that even God does not want me let alone love me or wants to save me from this bout of sadness. What more can I do then hope that the next time I’m faced with my mortality I will not survive and will forever be freed from this life that is not blessed with love and happiness. I hope that when I’m dead and buried these people will be relieved for I can’t bother them anymore with my unwanted presence in their life.
God please release me and let me go. I don’t want to be here anymore. Maybe I will find my joy and peace in your presence or may the devil take me. Mother and father I hope you are happy with what you do to me. I’m not a person who is revengeful or hateful but if I was I would wish the same for you as you had for me. I am tired of trying.